Spiderman meets Nixon
by Tug
Summary: Spider-man goes back in time to battle a foul-mouthed Nixon...hilarity ensues! (Rated PG-13 for strong language and comedic violence)
1. Chapter 1: Chrono Nocturne

Disclaimer: I don't own Spider-man, no one owns Spider-man, he's unbeatable! Actually he's owned by Marvel Enterprises Inc. or whatever, so please don't sue.  
  
Our friendly neighborhood Spider-man was swinging wildly from rooftop to rooftop, thinking of his three favorite things, a nude Mary Jane, Green Goblin (his best buddy!) and uh...nude Mary Jane again.  
  
Now where was we? ahh....yes, Spider-man was happily cavorting around with his best friend Mr. Owl, see, Mr. Owl was bitten by a radioactive owl and given owl power (The poor bastard). However Mr. Owl did have something that good ol' Petey Parker didn't.  
  
He had a time machine!  
  
He also had a vagina....but that's a story for another day!  
  
Mr. Owl and Spidey landed in an old abandoned warehouse in Jersey where they ran afoul of Spider-man's greatest foe, (besides arch-duke Ferdinand) the Irishman!  
  
"Bloody 'ell! I'm Irish!" belched the Irishman  
  
"That you are you lovable shit!" retorted a husky Parker.  
  
Peter made quick work of the Irishman by causing all beer in New York to be fed to the Kingpin, who was fat and greasy to begin with, so no one really cared.  
  
Mr. Owl had other things to worry about, he wanted to be the number 1 superhero in New York (good luck asshole!) so he pushed Spider-man into the time machine and sent him back to the 1970s.  
  
"Holy Shit!" yelled a bewildered Spider-beast, "It's Nixon"  
  
"damned hippies!" Yelled Nixon.  
  
-To be continued- 


	2. Chapter 2: Terrorist

When we last left our lovable hero, he was knee deep in the blood of the thousands of corpses that had been swallowed in the eternal abyss of damnation  
  
Nah, i'm just screwing with ya, he was getting bitched at by Nixon.  
  
"Damn hippies, get out of my freaking oval office!" Belched the oily despot.  
  
"haha....boobies," said an obvious drunk and incarcerated Spider-God.  
  
Nixon made a quick hand motion and summoned his secret service agents, Mr. Smasher and Chancellor Knuckles to deal with the spansex-clad vigilante. Pete's spider sense went off like a bullet train in Osaka, and he quickly got his haggard ass out of the line of fire. Chancellor Knuckles caught the wily demon by his neck and began to squeeze the life out of him, pictures of nude Mary Jane began to fade out of Peter's head like a man's receding hairline. thoughtlessness was replaced by the all-powerful emotion of fear, and Spider-Man quickly tried to escape from Knuckles hairy mitts.  
  
"Unhand me you foul-smelling gypsy!" Cried the musky smelling vagrant.  
  
"Not bloody likely Spider-Bizatch!" Cackled the corpulent beast.  
  
Spider-Man was left with no choice, his legs dangling in the air, he managed to land a foot in the beast's crotch, sending him into a pain-induced eternal slumber.  
  
Mr. Smasher came out of nowhere with a two by four, knocking Spider-Man out faster than you can say "Quidditch."  
  
"What should we do with this one Madame President?" asked the smasher of smashing.  
  
"What we always do with all Spider-Men...make them fight me in a boxing match!" cried the Commander-in-Chief.  
  
Mr. Smasher felt the beads of sweat fall from his forehead and he pondered the presidents sanity, but then he saw cabbage, his favorite food, and could think of nothing else.  
  
Well, except for nude Mary Jane.  
  
-To be continued- 


	3. Chapter 3: Reality Check

"Argh....my friggin head...,"  
  
Spider-man woke up to the sounds of a roaring crowd and the booming sound of a man's burly voice on a microphone. The last thing he could remember was drinking vodka, lots and lots of vodka. Spider-man rubbed his forehead and tired to focus his eyes, but the lights were too damn bright.  
  
"Jesus Christ, god damn headache...sweet fancy Moses...," mumbled the Spider-Fluff.  
  
Yes, Peter Parker was hungover, and he didn't like it one bit! He managed to get to his feet and stagger over to a nearby mirror in his drunken stupor, he smelled the air, the moldy smell of soiled potatos and grungy sweat socks tickled his senses. Spider-man then projectile vomited into a nearby garbage can. He could vaguely hear a man shout "You're on in five minutes,"  
  
Peter focused his eyes at last, and saw the poster in the locker room he was in.  
  
"Strange man in pajamas Vs. Richard Nixon!  
  
Boxing match of the century!"  
  
Spider-man projectile vomited into the garbage can again, and realized that he had somehow gone back in time, and now is in a boxing match with President Nixon.  
  
"Crap on a crutch, this sucks," Spider-Love thought to himself, "but then again, just how tough could a guy in his 50s be?"  
  
Nixon emerged from a nearby cocoon, and has evolved into a man in a booger suit, yes, a booger suit, Nixon beat his chest vigorously and announced that his favorite pokemon was Bulbasaur.  
  
The five minutes had passed, and Nixon was ready to take on his formidable foe in what most potheads remember as "The Fight of the Century"  
  
Who will prevail? and who will lose and be laughed at for either losing to a guy in his jammies or a senile old fart in a booger suit?  
  
Habeeb ponders these things.  
  
-To be Continued- 


	4. Chapter 4: Hawaiian Angst

The thunderous roar of the crowd delighted the lowliest hamburger to the thickest prostitute. The cries for the battle to begin were insatiable. Bruce Cambell himself was the boxing announcer, and prepared to call out the challenger to the heavyweight title.  
  
"Ladies and Gentleman, we are gathered here today, to witness an absolute nonsensical fight were most likely feces will be thrown, vomit will be projectiled, and we will all think of nude Mary Jane,"  
  
"Cut the crap Ash, bring on the fighters before i tan you hide!" shouted a obese Ronald Mcdonald.  
  
"Uh..Ok, Well, our challenger for the world cup today is none other than the AMAAAAAAZING SPIDER-MAN!"  
  
And with this, our scantily clad hero stumbled out onto the walkway, still in costume, with these cute little oven mitts for boxing gloves. Spider-Man crawled into the ring and vomited on the floor.  
  
"aww...man, what did I eat? It smells like a moldy bear fetus..., oh wait...I remember now," Spider-man said scratching his head.  
  
Meanwhile, back in the locker room, Richard Nixon was training with Spiro Agnew for a million seconds, his power level had doubled and he was ready for love.  
  
Richard Nixon strutted down the walkway with style, his pimpin cane and his badass sugar-dandy hat, not to mention his tubular booger suit, it definately gave him the cosmetic advantage.  
  
Spider-man saw Nixon and immediately craved Hawaiian Punch, but he knew he couldn't get any unless he beat Nixon, and that would prove to be a arduous task.  
  
The national anthem was not said (Nixon hates America and Spider-Man is a citizen of Zimbabwe) and the battle began.  
  
"I'm gonna kick your commie ass you one-eyed macintosh!" Cried Nixon.  
  
Spider-Man gave Nixon the finger and brandished his buttocks wildly in the air. Upon sight of his buttocks, Nixon unsnikted his adamantium claws and ran at Spidey with a berserker rage. Using his webshooters, Spider-man quickly casted his web so it hooked firmly on the ceiling of the dome-thingy that they were fighting at, from there, Spider-man through barrels down to Nixon. Nixon began to run up to the top of the auditorium by running up magically suspended girders. Nixon grabbed his trusty hammer and began to smash the barrels, finally Nixon pulled out a shot gun and blew Spider-Mans head off. Spidey's corpse fell to the mat and then Michael Jackson came into the ring and ate his brain.  
  
"I may be a smooth criminal, but i did not have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky," He commented as he walked out of the ring, presumably to go buy the new Sonic the Hedgehog toys at Mcdonalds.  
  
-To be Continued- 


	5. Chapter 5: Violent Bout

The crowd cheered as the dust settled, the Spider-Man corpse laying in the middle of the mat was an unholy sight indeed, all of a sudden though, a new head popped up from his shoulders!  
  
"God I love being a TURTLE!" Spider-Man screamed.  
  
"God damn son of a...," Nixon cried, "I hate these damn hippies!"  
  
Spider-man quickly got to his feet, and round 2 had begun! Nixon charged at Spider-man with all his might, girlish legs pumping, Nixon charged into Spider-man, ripping the wind out of his and knocking him into the ropes, thje ropes stung Spider-Man's burly backside, and he fell to the floor.  
  
In an instant, Spider-Man got back up on his feet, he could still feel the burning sensation in his back, but it was just a small cry in his mind, because his spider sense was screaming "WATCH OUT FOR THAT NIXON BASTARD" at the top of it's wee little spider lungs. Nixon through a right hook, then a left hook, SPider-man dodged quickly, and fell to the ground, supporting his weight with his arms, he launched bothf eet in Nixon's crotch, sending the wily beast in a frantic state of Tourettes.  
  
Spider-Man grabbed a bottle of Log Cabin maple syrup from a passing plate of pancakes and squirted Nixon with it, and as we all know, maple syrup makes presindents melt. Nixon hissed and screamed, as he could feel his flesh ebing burned off by the delicious honey whimsy.  
  
The audience was in complete havoc, and the first recorded mosh pit occurred here.  
  
Nixon staggered to his feet, his thoughts strayed from the fight, all he wanted to do was seen a nude Mary Jane before he died, but he knew this was not possible, this spider wanted his Hawaiian Punch, and he wanted it NOW.  
  
Nixon pulled his mask off and revealed he was a dinosaur, and began to gnaw on Spider-Man's legs. Spider-Man's colossal fists began raining blow after blow on Nixons back until finally he hammered him into the ground.  
  
Bruce Campbell began the countdown...  
  
-To Be Continued 


	6. Chapter 6: Revenge from the Gracefulness...

Nixon bucked an screamed like a young Jack Daniels as he heard Bruce Campbell coutn down to his doom.  
  
"1...."  
  
Nixon sneezed a mighty sneeze.  
  
"2..."  
  
Nixon belched a mighty belch.  
  
"3..."  
  
Nixon evacuated his bowels and emitted a foul smell from his trousers, He leapt to his feet, eager to continue his almight grudge match with the almighty grudge spider.  
  
Spider-Man appeared to be confused, the amount of damage he just rained on the blubbery ragamuffin was enough to put down Leonard Nimoy on steroids.   
  
Nixon reached into his "bag of tricks" and pulled out a taco and threw it at Spider-Man, now we all know that spiders hate tacos, while Spider-man tried to exterminate this Mexican threat, Nixon latched onto Spider-Mans ankle like a soupbone with his burly teeth.  
  
"You grisly butt savage!" the Gnarly superhero cried.  
  
Nixon did not return a comment, but instead cried for sweet limburger. Nixon continued to latch onto Spidey's ankle until a a nude Mary Jane hit Nixon in the back of the head with a yellow snowball. Dazed and confused, Spider-Man used Nixon's confusion to his advantage and poured lava down Nixon's pants.  
  
Nixon screamed a million screams and swore a million swears, Nixon tackled Peter with all his might, and planted a big soggy wet one on Peter's soft underbelly. This caused Peter to vomit all over his pants, the source of Spider-Man's spider powers.  
  
Nixon knew the fight was now his, and began to rain blows down on Spider-Man faster than a cheap prostitute from Kansas.  
  
Spider-Man landed on the mat with a gushy thud, and vaguely caught a whiff of the feces and bone marrow that had already been splattered on the mat from their fight. Spider-Man knew the fight was about to end, and he was not sure he would be the victor.  
  
Bruce Campbell began the countdown once again....  
  
-To be Continued- 


	7. Chapter 7: Aid from the Depths of Time

AUTHORS NOTE: It has been well over a year since i've updated this epic, i found it the other day and promptly laughed my ass off, I'm going to finish this story, and see if I can try to pick up where I left off.  
  
Bruce Campbell's booming voice spread throughout the ring with a mighty thunder. Spider-mans mangled corpse lay dormant on the ground, festering with arkane diseases, his girlish ears barely comprehending Bruce's voice as it began to count upwards to his impending doom, Spidey knew if he did not win this match, he would not get his Hawaiian Punch, truly the only thing in the world worth fighting for. The retired mercenary picked up his cantankerous body and grimaced like a hobo looking for a warm blanket.  
  
"Nixon! enough games have been played here, it is time for me to unleash my true power on you!" the pajama wearing vigilante announced.  
  
Spider-man began to draw all of his power into himself, exploding with a blast of rightenous, the heavens were torn asunder as the avid arachnid launched himself into an alcoholic seizure on the floor, the beast twitched and convulsed, convorting himself on the ground like some cruel victim of nude twister, finally his skeleton leaped out of his skin and had a big stupid grin on it's face.  
  
"I will turn your brains to bread" grizzled the bare chested skeleton as it launched itself at nixon, giving him a tender kiss on his blubbery buttocks.  
  
Nixon was taken aback by this strange behavior, and began to shoot ravenous tarantulas out of his legendary corn hole of justice. one by one the tarantulas swarmed the skeleton and made it giggle with glee.  
  
Spider-man's skeleton began to sing bible verses before it curled itself up nicely into spider-mans body once more, and it seemed the spandex wearing southerner was ready for another round! he immediately turned into a tuna sandwich and threw himself at nixon full speed, causing nixon to salivate so much that the ring was soon an aquatic wasteland. Nixons sneakers were quite soaked, so he turned into a gargoyle and began to claw at spidey's head, Spider-man cried out for unholy justice and for sexual destitute.  
  
Suddenly, without warning, Mr. T enters the ring, bare ass naked, and starts pulling Nixons eyes out of his sockets.  
  
"FUNGAH!" Cries an earthly Nixon, as his face begins being defiled by the burly black man.  
  
Bruce Campbell once again begins his countdown.  
  
-To be continued- 


	8. Chapter 8: Sing for Absolution Act I

Spider-man knew he was once again in control of this awesome, romantic battle of the century, he took this chance to flaunt his skills, galloping across the ring like some sort of cursed circus seal, barking like an otter, Spider-man clapped his hands and jumped up and down like a maniacal piece of bread.  
  
"Women will not sleep with losers," The happy Spider-man barked at his diseased opponent as he laid peacefully dormant on the cushy surface of the boxing mat.  
  
Nixon grumbled and quickly got to his feet, he did not enjoy being humiliated in this way, and he knew if he could defeat this strange marauder, then he could easily buy that mansion he had been eyeing in Sweden. Nixon flexed his awesome muscles and stared Spider-Man straight in the eye.  
  
"Boy, this is the end, this is our final stand-off, whoever wins this final bout will be the victor, prepare yourself for a battle that you've never experienced for," Nixon sneered at the haphazard Jewish Spider.  
  
"Holy sock!," Spider-Man retorted with a clever grin.  
  
The bell rang, and the two titans ran at each other, both of their hearts pounding with raw emotion and anger. One must wonder what a man truly fights for. Love, honor, Pride....these thoughts raced in the minds of both of our heroes as they sped across the ring, prepared to face theri destiny. One of these fighters would go home, his spirit tarnished, his body battered, and the full knowledge that they are not the best. The other fighter would go home with lots and lots of prize money and possibly an erection.  
  
Spider-Man was the first to strike, faster than a devil in red and blue pajamas, his fists striking Nixon in spaces that he never even knew existed, vomit began to fly from his mouth as Spider-Man continued to rain fists of cherry crimson into Nixons hairy torso. Spider-Man shot his web up and attached it firmly onto one of the rafters and swung up on top, far from Nixon's reach.  
  
Spider-Man firmly reached into his sexy pockets and threw a grenade down onto the ring, Nixons eyes widened as he felt the blood rush out of his body and onto the ground as his entire body began to disintegrate from the awesome blast. Nixon's eyeballs took flight and shot off towards the rafters and began shooting lazy beams at Spider-Man, Spidey was able to bat them both away, but now without taking a laser in the sternum, and he began his quick descent to almost certain doom...  
  
-To Be Continued- 


End file.
